It's not just another chapter...

2005-05-23T14:42:00.000+01:00

my personal tutor, Dr. Martin, a rheumatologist in st. james's hospital, is a great man.he treated me lunch-fruit crumble and diet coke, at st james's refrectory. then came back to study. sami n eva left for ibiza..huhu sami and i always say goodbye to each other with a hug and a kiss on the cheeks-like a tradition for us. i dont know to whom would i talk to, when sami goes home for good. life's never perfect neither fair. yesterday while she was packing, she gave me most things she doesn't want anymore-clothes, skirts, lipbalm, soaps, even a pedicure set.its not even christmas nor my birthday. i'm so blessed...so i shudn't fret, however i need my money to come back or i'll be toasted to death.

2005-05-21T08:57:00.000+01:00

bloody hell...went thru my hsbc account online last nite, i almost died coz my heart seemed to keep failing to beat, the balance in my account was 96 pound...bloody bloody hell, and proceeded to go thru my statements and so bloody bloody someone had stolen my money and that was 1100 quid! bloody bloody, to the account of some rakis usalis thru internet.kinda scary coz never exposed my security or watever to anybody. went to report the matter to the bank,they will take 5 working days to bloody investigate...bloody bloody bank ey. there u go...my whole account gone. my family is coming to visit me on thurs...now i'm money-less...wat a misfortune.. pray to God i'll get my muuuney back. thanks frens who care. now time to study..for exammsssss....pray pray pray

2005-05-06T07:16:00.000+01:00

yesterday during dissection class i finally had the guts to cut the cadaver. i did a good job for a first-timer, after a whole term, now only i cut meh? but anyway, i found the splenic and hepatic arteries yippppeeee....though the demonstrators said it was hepatic when it was splenic. i can never trust these tutors anymore, coz they confuse me many times. from now on, anything straight away ask pat okay??? ;)

2005-05-03T21:50:00.000+01:00

errr....am i an emotional overeater?
wasn't, but now a BIG yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh
bila tensi buat apa?
binge-eating yeay yeay!
baru je nak kurus balik huhuh.. i hate school!!!! school sucks!!

2005-05-02T19:28:00.000+01:00

people say i think too much, about things that do not need many thoughts, well am a philosopher=thinker okay?

a very good fren of mine, mentioned to me, how she browses frenster when she's sad and sees how all her frens have changed so much throughout the years of knowing each other. it occured to me a while ago, about people i know around me, people i used to go to school with, people i go to school with now. most of them are in steady relationships, some might just be out of the relationships, some still broken from past relationships, some in and out of relationships, many who are not quite sure what the status of their relationships are, a few who just cannot be bothered about it or maybe pretend not to bother even when they actually do and most who are just waiting for the right guy/gal at the right time, yet not quite sure the real definition of the 'right time'. most of us are in our early 20's .. people from those days before us, would be married few years back and would have had several kids.

but here we are, still in school, having the time of our life, not even half matured, trying to figure out the heads and tails of our lives, well, maybe just in my case, maybe my other frens would hav all these things sorted out by now...fuh...

i thought about it, about this whole relationship thingy, everyone wants someone to spend their life with, to care for and basically all these come down to L.O.V.E. the one cliche we hear everyday in songs, movies, read in books. each one wants love for different reason, one might want love for its security, being with someone means having being cared for, love for money, love to get independence, all for a variety of reasons. as i said, i thought about it, and i finally got the reason to why i want love.
i want to have someone to belong to. all my life, i dont know where i belong, always the 'floating' type, moving from place to place, one clique to another, never quite knowing if i belong somewhere or if anybody wants to take me in so i won't be 'floaty' anymore. probably the main reason why i want love-to have that sense of belonging. so when i get lost i know where to turn to, not just spiritually coz i know God is always here for me whenever i get lost and hav no one to turn to, but just someone i can hold and get comforted from, someone who would say its okay when i screw things up, someone who is just there, to whom i can run to, to whom i may belong.

for this reason, and more, i think i deserve to have love too. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or the day after, maybe not in this life or the life after, but i'm pretty sure someone out there is looking for me too, as i patiently wait for him.

right now i'm starting to take school as seriously as possible so that school will take me seriously too, maybe then only i'll get good grades huhu...but to whomever it is that i belong to, come pick me up at the lost and found box at the reception okay? i'll b the one with that patchy, scarred and broken heart, i'll wear a pink flower on my hair and holding Smokey, so u'll recognise me. come soon coz i can't stand all these heartbreaks and i need you to be by my side.

2005-04-24T08:51:00.000+01:00

yesterday i attended this maulidur rasul celebration, organised by malaysian societies here in leeds. we did some selawat, listened to Quran recitation and had a talk about hadith by this ustaz from manchester. i learned a lot: no doubt about that, tho tiny glitches, eg. starting not really on time, were unavoidable. however the food really really made up for all the then-becoming-more-insignificant-glitches. heheh..

anyway, thought i share this with my fellow blog readers, the hadith that we normally hear, i mean, commonly quoted : "Tuntutlah ilmu hingga ke negeri China" tu, its ma'dhu, in other words: bogus, fake, the Prophet never said this. which reminded me the time when i was 9 or 10, i asked the reasoning to the China part of the hadith, why would the Prophet want us to go to China to study when many people want to go to UK instead? why don't we all go to China to study ey? but i stopped qestioning, maybe because i did get some pretty good answers for a 9-yr-old. anyway... even if China was one of the earliest civilised empire in those days, it is still kinda irrelevant because isn't Islam a religion that is relevant anytime of any day, any month, any year, any decade and any .... i forgot wat comes after decade :P

adios peeps...back to school work... urm.. no...today my flatmates and i are going to tesco to do our grocery shopping. tons of school work..and i was up early, for my exercise routine which i couldn't afford to do during the weekdays plus i was up early to wait for sami to come back... so much to talk about...

mental note:
Nutrition & Energy, SSC, more more school work, exams, my family coming, finals, Iris coming & my birthday yeay!

2005-04-23T11:42:00.000+01:00

first week of school, enough to drive me up the wall, tho no licence to drive up the wall, i don't care, i wanna drive up the wall gak tak kira nak gak!!!!!

i had a nice appraiser for my anual appraisal, sucks that i nearly fell asleep while he was giving me tips to revise lecture notes.muahahah....but he was extremely nice so i did let him know that..

2005-04-15T13:43:00.000+01:00

drinking every moment of my sweet freedom, lazy moping days, which will come to an end very soon. i await for u dear sweet independence and beauty of flexibility of may days, full of longing and anxiety. until then, i will work faithfully and think of the days when we will be reunited again...oh my sweet sweet holidays.

oh those happy days...i'll miss you dear holidays..don't grieve coz we wont be apart that long.

2005-04-11T10:14:00.000+01:00

the last week of easter break...huhuh...
make it worthwhile? like how?
okay larrr i'll read a tiny bit more of notes and storybook, less play and eat. urm...the last part kinda hard to do ey... :P

2005-04-08T09:30:00.000+01:00

Another wasteful yet fulfilling week... huh... Catching up with old friends, E-baying, a tiny tiny bit of reading, guitar practising and weight-losing strategies. LOL!

2005-04-05T18:58:00.000+01:00

everytime u get crushed, it hurts the same way as it did, pray u'll heal faster coz that's all u can do to keep goin. why am i always crushed? where can i find the light, coz it is so dark in here... and i want to get out.

Heal me. I'm heartsick.

I'm hungry and I'm broken.

I'm haunted, and weeping the blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight.

Tears I can't fight on my own.

I'm a haunted heathen.

I'm hung and barely breathing.

The drowning ocean. Snuff the sun in motion.

There's a pill on my tongue.

A shot from a gun, the bottle's bottom, I'm lonely as a star

Heal me. I'm heartsick. Hungry thought I could survive on you. Hear my heartsick hungry cry.

I'm heartsick.

Father, free me. Mama woman feed me

A child of fury. Lost his way but don't worry I won't stop 'til the dawn.

I've been too long on the run.

I grow strong, and restless as a storm

Heal me. I'm heartsick. Hungry thought I could survive on you. Hear my heartsick hungry cry.

I'm heartsick.

Heal me. I'm heartsick.

I'm hungry and I'm broken.

I'm haunted, and weeping.

The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight.

Tears I can't fight on my own.

So heal me. I'm heartsick. Hungry thought I could survive on you. Hear my heartsick hungry cry.

I'm heartsick.

2005-04-04T23:43:00.000+01:00

most of the time...i'm proud to be who i am and the fact that i want to be myself, no matter what other people might say. but there times when i wish i am never myself...and this is one of those times. life sucks when u realised there are certain things that happen, and there's nothing u can do about it. will there ever be that person who sees me when i'm invisible?

heal me... i'm heartsick

2005-03-24T09:54:00.000Z

its been a while since i last left an entry...totally neglected this thing :P
been awfully & disgustingly busy with schoolwork and exams, (and boys? urm...no, don't think so) anyway since its easter holiday, for the whole month (yeay!) this first week was supposed to be dedicated to a full-week revision and report write-up before i start my journey plan (leeds-manchester-london-manchester-birmingham-manchester-leeds) with mira. then trip to paris for 4 days...well, 2 days journey..just 2 days for sight-seeing, in paris?! is that even enough?1 day in disneyland...erm...definitely not..but, hey...will make sure i'll hav a grand time in paris no matter how long i'll be there for. looking forward to goin off to london and birmingham, been stuck in this flat too looooong :P heck anyway...been getting acceptionally good grades in school (yippee), but 'good grades' in medschool means not-so-good grades in school okay, people?

and yes kakashi, u'r one good guy left in this entire world, but we can't all have u can we? ;) takpa lah... azizul ada, so come on girls, apa lagi :P

been talking crap coz as my flatmate, sami says it, been farting around a lot. and yes najwa, i'm officially a-CSI-mania now i've been revising those seasons i've never watched and missed, its a great series ey...shud hav made me see that before :D besides sangap also, coz no gilmore girls dah...now for 3 consecutive weeks...sucks! when all the conflicts there, why do this to me now...why, God, why?! plus plus i can play more chords on my guitar...(not necessarily songs :P sbb main tak sama ngn lagu pun...dush...a little help here, azizul, popo?)

hey guys...last but not least for today: can i be a Gilmore girl?

2005-02-27T01:44:00.000Z

its too early to say this
its too early to tell
people can say what they want that i'm still too young to know
but deep in my heart i can feel that
i can never love again
tried so hard,but hadnt gotten very far
starting over with someone new gives me just another heartache
and worst 0f all, the realisation of the fact that
there may not be that 'the one' for me
i hav no heart to give and yet, why do i seek for him?
i dont want to fall in love
i dont want to be in love
i dont want to love
i dont want to....b a doctor?

mental note:
tongue piercing essay rewritten.
SSC term 2 submitted
formative spot test this coming tues and do i even care?
noooooooooooo............
really need to get some learning goin tomoro
need to practise guitar
and hey, i can ice skate ;)

2005-02-20T00:18:00.000Z

a very2 long tiring day..i'm amazed at myself.
toured my brother in leeds, sent him off to the airport, all on foot..
night time, ice skating 2 hrs non-stop=more like learning how to ice skate
fell on my butt, knee n palm,everywhere imaginable, 7,8 times, but it was all worth it.
a couple of guys were my escorts a.k.a. take-turns-teachers, and yes, tho slowly n gracefully i went in rounds by myself, almost 10 rounds.i'm so proud of myself :D
got home,or more like ran home, did laundry, bathed n then ate supper....this whole day took so much energy. i'm so exhausted...my left palm is swelling n bluish in colour, n so is my right knee.
i dont mind falling a million times, as long as i stand up again, i know someone will always be there to take my hands.thanks numan, i know i can count on u,anytime...

to my escorts:man,numan,emi,kamarul, arman, thanks for all the 'support',physically n mentally.thanks safri for all the cute shots.u'r ace!

X,X,X,..X=ice skating technique
Z,Z,Z...Z=recharge energy

2005-02-16T15:06:00.000Z

just realised how long my hair has grown since i got here....
erm,i need haircut...wait till summer, when i get home
less appetite, but still eat as much, just no feeling
sun is shining but wind blows hard, its cold
hate having to rewite my essay,again
i wanna go disneyland this easter
been tired most of the time
dunno y
heck

2005-02-07T23:29:00.000Z

it's been awhile since i wrote down anything in here.

in my whole entire life...i've done millions n millions of things...some of those, i'm very proud and many of that, i'm not so proud of too...its just that my way of no repentance...keeps me on and on many different paths, i wish i have the strength to fight it...sometimes i wish i have never lived.
but so far, the only thing that makes me realise why i'm still here and i'm glad i'm still here, is when someone told me their stories, told me things they've never told anyone before, trust me to keep these, and find themselves at ease with me..

i'm nothing near perfect.....full-scale of abnormality of the mind..but i'm so glad i live, till today....so i can be a good fren to those who need me to be there for them.

i'm glad to know that tonite...again..someone feels that she can trust me...
its the best feeling ever....to be trusted.

2005-01-25T13:24:00.000Z

Getting another heartbreak just makes me much stronger than i used to be.
An E for my first essay, not bad ey... The teacher must have really hated me or my essay, an F for the content??! worth an F if i handed in a blank piece of paper for the essay? heck....hell do i care. start over and do it right this time..

WORK HARD THIS TERM --- BALANCE WORK N PLAY
DISTRACTIONS --- RUN!!!!!!!!!
CHALLENGES --- GOD HELP ME
LOVE LIFE --- LOVE SUCKS (WHERE R ALL THE GOOD GUYS IN THIS WORLD?)
LEARN FROM MISTAKES --- NO REGRETS

getting better with Blackey. can change chords faster.. at least that's one good improvement and hey, i love MAC.

conclusion:i've gone nuts

2005-01-11T22:22:00.000Z

altho i hav stuffs to do ... but my hands feel itchy2 'lah'..wanna jot down something here. school has started..whole month of holidays, just shifts the gear to a really good kick start, moving into the right momentum and i realise how much i miss school.
will work hard this term. i will...(fingers crossed behind my back)
happy birthday mai!

2005-01-05T10:25:00.000Z

first entry of the year 2004 :)

yesterday was an out-to-town day. went out with numan, then back to my flat. came out again to get mira fr the bus station n then home again. cooked bihun goreng for the first time in 3 months :P soooooo happy can eat bihun :D i luvvvvvv bihun

then we all went out for a movie-national treasure! damn good. i'm gonna marry a guy as smart as the hero in the movie-benjamin franklin gates...tho i'm not as pretty as abigail chase lol! anyway...a guy as smart would b worth waiting for .. and again another lol!

anyway, school will start soon :) look forward for the new term n pray i hav the strength n as much help fr God to go thru this term n hope to do better, get on the gear and start cruising .... in this medical world of intrigue n much confusions... :D i'm dead meat !

2004-12-31T09:17:00.000Z

The last entry for year 2004

I wish to make a summary of this year's life events of myself. Mustn't be too short or too long..but perfectly nice.. Not that anything can ever be perfect, lesson #1 learned. Quite an achievement, having gone through A levels with a not-so-flying-colours-result-tho-will-do, having my heart broken so many times this year and had my first serious relationship cluttered to pieces as well, I made it to come to UK. A little confused but definitely not the same person as I ever was.

THE Achievements that I am proud of is this year, I've acquired drumming skills from a friend and though I havent got the chance to really practise for a loooong time now, I can still feel the vibe in my veins and it will always be the greatest thing i've ever done before. At least now, I can proudly say, I drum! Something I've been wanting to say for sooooooo long, instead of, I wish i could drum. To make the year even more worthwhile, yesterday I had a rather intensive guitar lesson from a kmys supersnr here and let me tell u, He's the living proof of the best guitarist I've ever met before. He's marvellous and having great teachers just make you learn faster and I did. Even though drums are my true passion, since the size of the set is rather unportable, it may have to wait and now my mission is to get a good acoustic guitar and learn as much as I can in my youth before I grow old, rot and die. I wanted to get one before but I didnt have that good of a teacher. lesson #2, never say never. If u dream long enough to persevere, u can do watever u want, and i mean, watever i want. And these are my true passions where hopes and dreams lie, and even though I can be considered as too old to start but hey, I'm young at heart :)

For the new year, I will learn to love my course and give it my best shot, without having to shed any tears and blood, I wish to pass my exams and do well in the assignments. I do not wish to be ambitious...just realistic. I'm not a machine or a robot, pressurising myself to do the impossibles in the field that I have no interests in is rather....useless. Better enjoy it though I am not that good. Lesson #3, life has so much more to offer and good grades, arent everything. What makes a person richer, is his or her life experiences, richer of wisdom..that is what i seek for, at the moment.

Lesson #4, we dont know what is in store for us, as God works in the most mysterious way. Oh well, its hard for me to believe in love again after all that happened this year. Heck, seems to me love affairs are jokes and really crappy. Relationship with no legal bonds or blessings don't last so they'r all crappy. Probably love may come when u least expect it...at the moment, I have no expectations on anything watsoever, makes life more enjoyable.

Happy New Year everyone...cherish the moments that is now, and learn from the past. The best lesson I've ever learned this year. :)

love,
nisa n smokey

2004-12-28T19:15:00.000Z

first day of work-leeds united stadium, taking charge of sales of hot drinks, pies, burgers at the food mobile. it was a crazy day...first time at paid-work, as i worked voluntary last times, i was a little stupid and slow. after a while i got the hang of it... cut 2 fingers deep and one of them is still bleeding. the hot water machine just stopped working and i got trashed by some people as they couldn't get their hot drinks..well, nothing much i can do about it, can i? buat bodo je la

work started at 12 and ended at 5 pm. while waiting for the mini bus to pick us up home, talked to this west african guy. he's nice and asked me out for a party when we got back but i was too tired to go out. this tanzanian guy walked with me home as we were heading the same way. both these guys are doctors...they are both passionate about their jobs. i feel so ashamed of myself. but as one of them said, i would learn to love the course sooner or later. i hope i will too...if not, i'll suffer :(

first experience working..not too bad. at least i can cover the over-unplanned-spending i did :P lol!

2004-12-27T20:55:00.000Z

a lot happened today...still in the spirit of boxind day

8.45 am-woke up and mugged in front of the comp.man texted me, supposed to meet him up at 10, got ready and by 10 i was already out of flat, but then man texted me,changed time to 10.30..fine...i went back in and read my story book.

10.30 am-mission:post-boxing day shopping with man and mizi.got reebok gym ball cheaper,denim pleated skirt cheaper and my first fcuk green tops for 10 pound (price 40)last stop st john topshop coz mizi wanted to check out some jackets...realised i lost my wallet.shit

2.30pm-headed to police station..reported it.still couldnt find it..tho retraced all routes.all that while i was thinking, "God is testing me, i must respond well."all bankcards are cancelled.i was a bit upset i lost my kitten's only picture which is in the wallet.GILDs called..work today cancelled.good timing..huh

3 something-passed st john's topshop...got a hunch.went in to check at the counter for my wallet.thank GOD!!! they found it...i was so relieved,so so relieved.after meal at mc d, back at man's place to get his black pants for work tomorrow.

5.30 pm-walked back home..bumped into some kelso guys.ate dinner and bathed.blowing into my gym ball at the moment.goin to continue on my HIV report...hopefully.

lesson of the day: erm....things always happen for a reason...GOD tests u fr time to time...be prepared, when it comes..hav faith in HIM.thank u GOD.i do love u a lot, tho i am not really a good person.

2004-12-26T17:47:00.000Z

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang onto keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

there are times when i would feel really stupid and today is one of those days.
i just miss u so much...tho i know...u'r NO GOOD for me at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-23T23:44:00.000Z

its been a looong while since i've written in any entry here.the first week of hols spent in ireland with my sister n brother-in-law.went to some places in dublin n galway...back fr ireland..visited by niz n her fren..so entertained them for 2 nites in leeds..
then yesterday off to manchester for some high quality time with best bud mira,last nite went for toy story 2 disney on ice n got woody plush toy n jessie mug, since i broke my mug the day b4 i went to manchester.still here in manchester.today went shopping n got some levis clothings.watched phantom of the opera...it was breathlessly awesome...i didn't think that the movie would turn out that well....though it is not as sequential as the book, but it was pleasantly plotted...and the songs were really beautiful.really2 loved it...tho mira found that it was rather long...hahha..felt this little thing in my heart when christine daee said to the phantom almost at the end of the movie..something about him being a beautiful creature, and having God sending her to him to show him that he's not alone...and the time when raoul n christine sort of confessed their feelings for each other singing love me is all i ask from u..i think...
i wish i hav the angel of music of my own...tho in reality..i sux at singing..lol!i dont want a raoul..i want the angel of music..
life is complicated...relationships can drive one crazy..well not having one or getting caught in a really2 bad situation which cant even b called a relationship can mess up one's mind..more like mess up my mind.i like being alone...i like having my own little world, but i despise being lonely...and those are two different things...or maybe, they are not?

this week's meditation: i'm not alone,i'm not alone..
this week's mission: finally start n must finish HIV report n do some school stuffs!!!! MUST!
this week's challenge: goin to start working..get uniform, excitation of first work ever in a lifetime!mixed emotions really...
this week's important event: something happened...i dont know if it's bad or not anymore but what used to be important to me is gone now...on the 19th dec, and i have a feeling now that i've lost my conscience

2004-12-10T19:33:00.000Z

school's out..
latest craze: besides downloading gilmore girls,charmed....iron chef!!hahah..love watching ppl cook, wanna eat those food
well goin off to ireland tomoro...yeay...hope i will bump into the corrs....or bono...at least westlife...hahahha...not bringing many stuffs...will b leaving really2 early in the morning...still havent really figure out how to get to the airport...hopefully things will work out tho...hope i wont miss the bus or anything...need to wake up early to really finish packing up toiletries n make up bla2...had just a small bag with wheels..hope i wont hav to bring back too many stuffs..my bags are fragile...
lazy day...not even out of bed since morning..been eating like mad!
i'm mad anyways....

2004-12-06T08:33:00.000Z

summary of the whole of last week:
no mood to study, HIV presentation was over, presented patient's visit report on my own...coz partner got mumps, found really cheap stuffs in this sort of discount stores, fell in love with mac in harvey nichols (aaaahhh, cant wait to have them..), tummy muscles r really tighter making my waist slimmer (yey!), completed silver service training for work, went to harehills on saturday afternoon for eid celebration by postgrads..lots n lots of food...really generous ppl..i took like 5 helpings (eating like..i dunno wat) till i got heartburn immediately..then the nite was msian nite.it was....not as grand it sounded n definitely...not worth the money.no offence the food was good...but..just wasnt enough.imagine if a girl as small as i am complained about the insufficient quantity of food...wat would the guys say?(they do hav stomachs as large as barrels).me n ppl in my table...we did hav fun..being a lively and responsive minority.well...overall...it wasnt worth it...but the company made the night a wonderful one n it didn't end at the party :P

2004-11-28T09:58:00.000Z

yesterday..notts game.played scrabble against ruben...definite loser,but i had fun. the kmys scrabble reunion-ruben, sara, raj, sangee and me..all in notts.if i want to b a professional,i need to practise for next year..hahaha.hav to download the scrabble game then.
went to wanmae's place and gill's.met lots of ppl and had fun.this guy at the food stall gave me extra chicken free of charge :) talked to iris a lot and charlene too.saw fanna b4 she left...huhuhu...when both of us were too tired to chat.slept the whole time in the bus and was missing someone so bad that i dreamt of him..must put big STOP sign to this.

today's activities to come:buy breakfast cereal, cold wax strip, nail buffer...study(?)
today's meditation:erm.....study is good,study is fun..

2004-11-26T13:41:00.000Z

realised last nite, that no matter how upset i was, i tried to cry it out..i just couldnt cry anymore. the well of tears is dried up...hav my heart turned into a stone?numb, cold and hard?
learnt a valuable lesson this morning..some people are just not worth ur time..no matter how i try to make things work, trying to convince myself not to hate people but try to get to know them as everyone must be nice,well...how naive is that?how naive am i to think of that?some people are just not worth it to b a part of my social network, a part of my existence and a part of my life.

to all the people who are nice to me: thank u so much, i appreciate u all now and in the life after...when u r nice to me...i'll b nice to u..through and through...

to those who are not worth my value of friendship: if u think u can b evil to me...i can be 1000 times more evil to u than u think i can be.watch me..

2004-11-25T22:48:00.000Z

shopping day...no class..got meself the perfect sling bag..for only 5 pound...then got meself 2 pairs of boots..one is pink and comfy and the other one black with thick platform and both only costed me 18 pound!!!
night time..went out to this german christmas market...had a go on a bumper car...first time...hit my head twice,ouch...saw this really cute guy,honestly he looked like beckham...aaah..melted my heart.then went for a movie...finding neverland..depp was gorgeous..the movie had me in tears..loved it!raced numan to the market...of course i lost...doh..i'm not a runner.

all the time...i had someone else in mind..i laughed,i had fun,i screamed being bumped in the car,watched the movie...all the time...i had this person in mind..it was so confusing..we only had one nite out...wat did i do...to deserve wat i hav now..in the end...i'm the one hurting,always the one..hurting

tonite's meditation:i'm a tough girl...tough girls dont cry,they dont feel sorry for themselves...i am a tough girl..God help me..

2004-11-24T20:58:00.001Z

one good thing today:a guy told me he used to hav a crush on me...why din he tell me so?saves all my time looking for my guy,keep meeting bastards all the way,who break my heart to so many pieces i wonder if i still hav a heart now.pretty numb...like...who cares..watever,live for the moment.keep my head straight for school and probably goin to work soon..
goin to notts sat,scrabble...wanna meet frens..
hope love comes..when i least expect it..miracle...when will u happen to me?
where are u shrek?
i'm not depressed...i'm just confused.no school tomoro.school and other tasks keep me distracted, ice cream makes me happy, guys keep breaking my heart.. why the hell do i still want one??????!!!

today's meditation: guys are dumb,guys are dumb,guys are dumb...
shrek,shrek,shrek.....i'm happy the way i am,i'm happy the way i am... i love God, i love God...

2004-11-24T20:58:00.000Z

i'm confused..not depressed..just confused.
i dont know what i want..i keep changing my mind when things come up differently.
nice thing today: a guy told me he used to have a crush on me...
if only he told me earlier..saves my time looking out for the my guy, and keep meeting bastards all the way.. well... now...live life for the moment.dont get me wrong..i'm very focused on my studies tho i hav guys problem in my head...can pretty much separate the two matters aside.maybe love will come..when i least expect it.. miracles...that are all i'm waiting for..where r u shrek?
notts this saturday, will play scrabble.hope to meet as many frens as possible..
my frens here call me hyperactive monkey...cause i cant sit still for a bit and i laugh so hard i fall off my seat.. me monkey? more like sleeping beauty...
not that i sleep a lot lately...tomoro no class..lots to do..look for job too.erm....work and school shud keep me distracted...ice cream makes me happy...guys break my heart,they'r dumb..but y do i want one?????!

2004-11-23T17:07:00.000Z

i lost my right contact lense...not really in a jolly good mood...but not too bad either. HIV presentation...hahaha...now they know how good i am...padan muka! LOL!my government wont pay this much to send me here if i'm not worth it...

well still..i might trash my essay and test..duh!

food crisis...must finish everything..before i go grocery shopping..i just want vegetables... :(

2004-11-22T17:33:00.000Z

hey...havent been putting in entries for a while,hav i?been busy rewriting my failed first draft, preoccupied with out-of-medicine activities...got into a rather messy sticky situation..went swimming last friday...did a whole 1.2 km swim and pretty much ached my thighs.eid celebration on saturday in harehills..went for a movie,the incredibles..sunday whole tummy-ache day but had to go for dikir barat practice which i got to learn all the steps when that was the 2nd time i went to practice...pretty good...i had good reasons to miss the previous ones tho.. :)

today i had one class only but had to run a rehersal (how grand is that) on HIV presentation.then i went to this patient visit in Mytholmroyd with a partner of mine,laura. she is supernice and we sort of got along and bonded really well.talked about lots of stuffs...really nice to find a fren like dat.we talked about stuffs like we'r old frens in like few hours only.sort of change my perspective on the locals this time.she was cool to want to talk about stuffs with me...well maybe i just met with the wrong ppl when i first got here...i'm having better prospect of reading medicine here. :) the lady we visited was smashingly nice...

fuh...time to bathe..chill out...forget all the troubles in the air..and not think about this sticky situation of mine....cant do anything about it anyway...

today's meditation: i'm not a bad person,i'm not a bad person,i'm not a bad person....... be happy,be happy,be happy....

the thing is the purpose of writing all these nice things that happen to me will sort of help me appreciate my life in general....but writing down all the bad things that happen will make me let go of the thoughts of those,so u get on with life...like...watever.and when i read about all these bad things..will be sort of a laugh when it wont matter anymore later..

2004-11-15T16:46:00.000Z

came home at 11 pm last nite.went visiting to 6 msians' houses for the eid feast.ate a large amount of food that i could hardly breath.since we were walking or taking bus rides to the houses, somehow reaching the next house, i was already hungry again.it was alright, first time raya away from home.
classes started at 10 am today and i was like always the first person entering the lecture theatre.this week less classes so might have to catch up with school work and yada2...
i had a complete fasting in ramadan...yey!so i don't think i want to do the extra 6 days... i get hungry easily in this cold weather.
i like being independent yey!

2004-11-14T08:32:00.000Z

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri..
I had a complete fasting month of Ramadan.YEY! Basically all I do is follow my fren around to people's houses though I don't really know all these people...a perfect chance to do so.Smokey's second raya, in UK.
Actually no real enthusiasm to raya... just go with the flow.

2004-11-10T13:26:00.000Z

I cut off my hair
Put some red on every nail on my feet
I think it's pretty
I repainted all the rooms
Got a cat that I named Smokey, obviously
I think he's happy
Friends threw some parties
I've been to them all there's not one that I missed

And I've tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone
Still reminds me of you
And tried to play some songs that change my point of view
But every sound
Still reminds me of you

I've done some walking
Listen to the people talk on the street
I don't feel lonely
I saw some movies
But your face kept coming back on the screen
I think I'm crazy
Can't make decisions
I could use some more distractions today

I wonder where did I go wrong? What made you gone?How I hate to feel alone...

quick alteration to suit my mood------this song's by anggun

2004-11-08T17:58:00.000Z

so tired to describe the concert....just that it was awesome!!!!just like i imagined it to be...they were very energetic, amusing and really talented. should i add more?
got this massive huge poster and an ANGEL corrs tshirt,which was the cheapest there, but it was cute, especially in me.
slept at mira's place.. ate chicken rice made by mira and her manchester gang...with cengkodok which i dah lama mengidam nak makan.
so tired.came late to class, coz morning, bus slow, reached leeds and then straight to class.came home at 4pm.so tired.cant think anymore...huuuuuuu
the corrs was fantastic.really worth it all

2004-11-07T09:09:00.001Z

Went for some massive make over shopping yesterday… Not really a make over, just went to get my first mascara, blusher brush and all the girly stuffs I never knew existed before. Slept really2 late last night, so I didn’t actually wake up for sahur. Awaken by the sound of Athan azan, indicating, time’s up. Duh!
Leaving to Manchster in a couple of hours. Talked to this guy I really like back home, told him I’m going to my first concert. He sounded happy to be back in KL and shopping his day away, in a secret noisy place he wouldn’t tell me where. Glad to hear his uplifting jokes, made me laugh so much in my morning… That conversation with him, sort of heals my broken emotions this week. Now I got back the excitation to see The Corrs, though Caroline won’t be performing. Soooooo looking forward to it!

Smokey’s definitely coming with me. And I’m meeting Mira in Manchester…yey!

2004-11-07T09:09:00.000Z

2004-11-05T09:20:00.000Z

It’s weird sometimes, when someone said something to me and I didn’t like to hear it or I get really upset to even think about it… It made my whole world falls apart.
Then I get scared to fall asleep because it is going to make me so lonely. Further more, I’m scared I won’t and can’t wake up again on the next day. I’m scared when I fall asleep; I get too comfortable, in my own thoughts and world… I never want to wake up again. Sometimes I just want to disappear from this place; just be gone, without a trace. I wonder if there’s going to be anybody looking for me…Plenty will actually… I have really great flat mates. They are concern, willing to listen and to talk to me about anything.
Still I miss my Wina a lot. I know she’s here for me though she’s not here, but it is still not the same without her. I can’t go to the room next to mine, to regain consciousness, anymore, every time I wake up from a long, dizzying afternoon nap. I can’t shout, “Padan muka kau, setan!” anymore, coz no one is going to back me up. I have no one to baby-talk to Smokey anymore. I have no one to do my hair, or think of what I’m supposed to wear if I’m going anywhere. I have no one to feed me bread and sardine with lime juice or make me mamee beehoon tomyam when I’m hungry anymore. And most of all, I have no real shoulders to cry on anymore. No soothing voice of hers, which will tell me everything, is going to be all right, no matter how much I’ve messed up my life.
Well Wina, this is how important you are to me… I really, really miss you. I’ll wait for the day you’ll actually get to come here, imagine all the fun we can have… I miss the fact that though I know everything isn’t going to really be all right after she comforted me, but the way she tries to make me laugh while I cry at the same time… seems to make me feel that everything is actually going to be all right.

2004-11-04T07:16:00.000Z

I talked to my best pal, Payatt the other day. Found out a few evil truths about myself, from his point of view. It’s good to know what other ppl think of, so u sort of can think it over and perhaps change it when u think u should. The decision is entirely up to oneself, friends and others one trust can just provide views, which may not be relevant at times... But hey I trust Payatt’s judgment.

Summary of the conversation with Payatt:
To his eyes, I look prettier with my original not-so-straight hair, but definite NO-NO for permed hair-lesson to be learned, always ask Payatt before changing my hairstyles.
Brain-wise, I’m like Julia Roberts, who changes her style when never she feels like it. Since my hair is becoming straighter, I’m no longer the Shakira-lookalike, sorry guys, screwed the yearbook comment.
He thinks that the gaping hole in our hearts, should be filled with love to that special someone, or else, it feels awfully cold-can’t deny the fact Payatt, since winter is coming, it does feel so much colder inside.
God made us in 2s, not 1. Important note: There is always going to be somebody for someone (quote corrs’ song title from album In Blue)
We’ve seen too much garbage in our life, we deserve to have a happy ending.(sob, sob)
No one is beyond salvation, though we’ve had had our past devils.
Never give up on the light, it may be dim at times, but it’s what we all need.

As a conclusion, I’m happy that Payatt has found his happiness; I truly pray it will last, though he won’t be till I’m truly happy. Well, Payatt, instead of the knight in shining armour, I’m going to wait for my Shrek with my noble stead, Donkey to rescue me… (Though he farts…heh).
Thanks pal!

2004-11-02T17:46:00.000Z

Long time no write.. Not that i don't have the time to, just that i don't have the energy too. So occupied with stuffs...fuh..
The only good thing is...I'm going to Corrs' Borrowed Heaven tour concert this Sunday!!!!yey!!!!My first real concert!!! Though i'm definitely gonna be broke, for Corrs, i'd give them my life....my miserable life in med school.
carved pumpkin with my flatmate on halloween night.look out for the pics.i'll upload them on my fotopages...when i hav the energy to..
Ramadan has been goin on great.Definitely lose more weight,i'm so bony..but i feel great.always feel bad and sad at the end of the month,might not hav the chance to see the next ramadan.not looking forward to raya either..
my sis invited me to go visit ireland for christmas...havent really decided..might wanna go tho i'm broke

2004-10-29T10:16:00.000+01:00

I've been tired lately...general lethargy..fuuh
due to fasting? workload? or i'm just plain lazy?
got my first D yesterday for my first assessed practical.
not worried.know why i didn't get the marks. talked to my tutor. she explained these things clearly so i'm not worried.gonna get a phone this afternoon.waiting for my other dumb group members who kept saying we'r gonna meet this friday to do the groupwork report and as last week, i can't find them anywhere...or is it just me here?
i'm gonna look for them again after this, then i'm off.wasting my time...could have gone to sleep or write my essay or read my new storybook.stupid people

2004-10-26T17:25:00.000+01:00

Assignments...
Revisions...
Work sessions...
Lectures...
Smokey...
Laptop...

My life in summary

2004-10-25T20:42:00.000+01:00

Just enjoying my laptop (love u daddy and mummy!!)… Cleaning the viruses and Trojans. Lectures today… I couldn’t really participate in PPD class. I was too sleepy. Woke 5 minutes before sahur ended. I was hungry too. I’m getting used to things around here… Besides I can ask Kak Lenny if I don’t know how to do some exercises, I got a few tips today when I met her in the library. Basically I’m happy now. I can mail my dad everyday. Ramadan has been going on well to me, 11th day already.
I just wanna say how lucky I am to have such wonderful flat mates here. (Love you girls especially Sami, Andrea & Bimbo) I don’t think I could survive if I have no one to talk to here, but I do, so I’m good! Pray that I can do well in my first year. Like my friend said, take it year by year, then you can concentrate better. Love u, Winx!!!

I'm so full of love... Anyone want one?

2004-10-23T13:46:00.000+01:00

today..finished drug assignment..yey!
dinner..tonite..follow my fren to this socety thingy,can eat for free.
washing machines are repaired...but so many people now.running out of clothes.
can't wait for my uncle tomorrow.and yeah,tomorrow they will b taking raya pics, for newspaper.i doubt i can make it there.
hungry... huhuhu...

2004-10-22T11:59:00.000+01:00

No class today...but I went up to the library, to do research on drug assignment. It is raining out there this morning and my tummy is rumbling... It's funny that I always 'bersahur' but still get hungry but other people who don't even 'bersahur' don't even feel anything..

My uncle's probably going to come here this Sunday. Too bad, I've no hp, I don't how he's going to be here and when. Went to the bank this morning, settled a few things. Asked for bank statement so that i can sign contract with the hp company... it will a week to be ready. Isn't it ridiculous? With all these high-tech computer systems, what would be taking them so long? Even a girl who talked to me outside the bank, while we were waiting for it to be opened, complained about the banks here... I assumed she's from America, because she said something about it and it was too cold to concentrate, too windy too that dried my contact lenses while eventually fell off when I got to school.

Malaysia is still the best, no matter what.

2004-10-20T19:41:00.000+01:00

I'm so happy today,got to pray maghrib jamaah in the tiny surau in the uni as they serve free iftar every wednesday.though this week has been the 'shittiest' so far, this is one of the good episodes for this week..i've sorted out my 'no-laptop' problem,hope can get it this week so i can start on my endless essay assignments and research on numerous stuffs...

medic school,why didn't anybody tell me it would be this tough?

2004-10-15T11:31:00.000+01:00

Happy fasting...happy Ramadan ey?
I've been whining a lot today. Don't know (really?), sort of a sudden outbreak of tension in my brain, I cannot suppress it any longer.

Signs of MY depression:
# When I start cleaning my room and my bathroom
# When I cling to a storybook and won't let it down till my eyes are red
# When I started talking SO much (which I don't always do..not talk so much,but talk)
# When I feel the need to email or call someone I trust to chat
# When I go to bed early, because I'm too tired of doing nothing
# When I eat so much that I would regret it later

Pathetic? Me? Yes... I am.

So far so good, I'm 'loving' my school. It's really freezing out here, well, maybe just for me...because other people are still showing too much skin for this weather. Been coughing A LOT too that I might infect everyone around me. Not in the best position now, but I don't think I'll exchange it for something else... maybe for just a boyfriend who cares :)
Dream on!

2004-10-13T13:35:00.000+01:00

Today sucks!!! Not entirely, but almost 30% of it sucks!

2004-10-12T10:09:00.000+01:00

Got ill...Really need to see a doctor. Appointment's set at 2.40 pm. Get tired easily and so *blur* in class. I'm so clueless about the things I do nowadays. Need a hp,PRONTO. Keep missing out on 2nd hand textbooks coz these people had to be called to get the books. I'm tired... Maybe my days are going to be over...

2004-10-11T13:44:00.000+01:00

Newcastle trip went well...Too cold for me though, but Smokey had fun..Got sick immediately, as soon as we reached Leeds. Went to Tynemouth, Black Gate in the Newcastle city itself. The city has rather ancient-looking-but nicer buildings. There were plenty of shops, with reasonable prices of stuffs. Met Iris and others there. Thanks for coming see me, guys..really appreciate it.

My essay title is about tougue-piercing, my second choice. I wanted the 'Fear and Fascination' topic but I wasn't lucky enough I suppose. Rather clueless on what to do... Winter is coming and I'm not entirely prepared for it. Ramadhan too... Have to start cooking and storing food for sahur eh?

2004-10-07T13:11:00.000+01:00

Just a few headstarts...I can feel the BURDEN of workload.. At least I don't have to cook dinner tonight. Free dinner.. From the meeting of Islamic Society here, not yet though..Just afternoon here. Finished classes... these people, they can get on my nerves, complaining about everything! God!

GOIN' TO NEWC THIS SAT!!! YEY!

2004-10-06T13:09:00.000+01:00

I actually had a very nice lecture today...something to do with psychology and psychiatry. Very interesting...sort of reinforce my interest on those subjects. No time for idle thoughts..just books and notes and tissues and Alzheimer's and mad cow and spongiform??

Just wanna add this song.. Now I understand what the song is really about... Feeling that we're in the same boat, aren't we, Travis? Can't help to think how come there's no light is shining in the window of one's heart..

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else
Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
Why does it always rain on me? Why does it always rain...

2004-10-05T20:36:00.000+01:00

2nd hand booksale..yeah rite..there were only like 5 biochemistry textbooks, a few histology and there were 263 of us doing medicine 1st year. how dumb can the promo of the booksale can be? making it sounded so grand and all... I feel so cheated. anyway... classes were ok.. just that a lot of things to 'digest'... can someone remind me why I agreed to do medicine?

2004-10-04T09:12:00.000+01:00

First class today... Don't really know how is it going to be like, I'm an hour early so I can come and use the computer.

2004-10-03T13:26:00.000+01:00

Hey ya

Today is a stay-in day... Reading up books for tomorrow's lectures. I'm nervous about starting classes... The way things are done in unversities confuses me so much. Looking forward for Ramadhan here as well. No normal routines at home or in KMYS but I'm sure I'll find my new routines here.. :) I got a nice fluffy purple Bratz clock yesterday.. I'm so happy i have a clock!!! Hahah..looing forward for my credit card to be issued so that I can finally get my handphone... Yey!

2004-10-02T09:39:00.000+01:00

Went shopping yesterday with my ex-schoolmate, he was like the BEST male shopping partner ever!! hahah... Leeds is sort of a shopping paradise...though all the stuffs here..ORIGINAL only. I saw this cute CAT handbag, I wanted it but it was so expensive. Maybe later..when I have extra cash. Going shopping again afterwards,after this Msian Society meeting--->free FOOD!!!!!!!

c u soon

Back from shopping..bought just a REALLY big girly table via wall clock, food processor and some milk.. Well tonight free dinner..YEY! Don't have to think about dinner... Life is Good. I'm really nervous about my first class.. How do you copy down the notes and listen at the same time?I'm worried. I've been thinking of getting a weekend-job, just for the experience...so that I'd get used to the accent and people, not the money.

2004-09-29T17:42:00.000+01:00

Hey there

I feel so much better today… because I’ve been making friends with my flat mates, I spoke a sentence during discussion this morning, which make me feel less stupid or stony, then I ate CHICKEN burger…aaahh… It wasn’t that good but at least, my first chicken this week, and I got lots of freebies: medical dictionary, medical book, key chain, pens, and pencils. I got my stethoscope as well, I wanted pink because it is more striking but they don’t have it. So I got a blue one instead… I won’t need it till year 2 but hey it was cheaper than normal and I had my name engraved on it…(though it was engraved badly). I also borrowed books from library so I can do some reading before real lectures next week. A lot of self-learning here so it’s really up to oneself whether they want to do it or not. We’ll have to write essays… I dread the day to come.

I’m better today… No suicidal awakening….yet. I’m not going to my first talk tomorrow morning because I think it is rubbish so maybe I’ll go later. Erm… I’m thinking of sponsoring an orphan. I’ve always wanted to do that, for so long. Now that I have the chance to… do u think I should? I have to contribute 25 pound a month, is it too much? Opinions needed so please leave your comments on the tag board. Do you like the way my new blog is? Tell me that too.. ok?

2004-09-29T09:21:00.000+01:00

yesterday longg day............fuh...
went to the Thackray Medical Museum...the place is really cool..
never thought anyone would do such museum.
anyway...gotta run..my introweek programme for today is about to start in 5 mins..
write soon...

2004-09-27T20:41:00.000+01:00

no mood to write.i'm not happy bout something..i feel so betrayed.whole day went ok...first day of introweek,lots of info absorbed.well...not till i went to my frenster,then i realised something that i'm not happy about..i feel so upset,i wanna kill myself..

2004-09-25T09:29:00.000+01:00

hallo people,

i'm already in leeds...so cold...supercold.i'm using my flatmate's computer as i hav no computer yet...waiting for my sister to come here.my flatmates are from US,Nigeria,Canada and India..cool eh?they r all postgraduates and i'm the only undergrad.
i'm so sleepy...people walk here a lot.the stores are far...and the stuffs...well,i dunno,if u dun convert to our currency...well i think the price is reasonable.plenty of halal stores but i hav to find out these places.this is written in a hurry..so mind the grammars and the capital letters.
its cold here...i'm getting used to it.it can get very lonely but i'm a loner anyway..
havent started classes...next week is intro week..now is 9.33 am here in leeds.my flat is quite near to my school..but the uphill-walk...God...well,until then.i think i'm gonna go out and see the stores...get what i need like vegetables and stuffs.my flatmates are not Muslims so i think i'm just gonna cook in my room,using the rice cooker for the time being,eat simple meals...but i need vegetables.i havent even buy rice so i need to.
Smokey's doing great...haha...happy to be sooo cold.he is so pampered by this senior who took care of us these first few days..he has a car and a cat!!a cute cat..persian and pregnant.this senior is known as Amir Lam but i called him Abg Amir.he got us the pillows and brought our stuffs to our flats.i've got frens here..doin geology,so my ex-jnr-schoolmate showed me around.

so...till other time when i can get my hands on computers :)

2004-09-22T02:32:00.000+01:00

Hey again.

Tonight I’ll be leaving to Manchester, then Leeds. I don’t know what to expect from the trip as this is the first time I travel that far. Loooong flight… I don’t know what to do in there. Flight from Kuching to KLIA would be this late afternoon. Hope no airsickness or what-so-ever equivalent to that.

Friends… what sort of friend we look for in life? Do people want lots and lots of acquaintances but never wanting to share their feelings and problems, as in not wanting to trust other people? Or the number does not matter, but the quality of a friend is more important? Or maybe friends are not important at all? There are different views about friendship. As for me, each situation maybe applicable with different individual… why?

Erm… let me see, I don’t really have a lot of acquaintances, more friends. TRUST is crucial in any type of relationship. Choose your friends wisely, as they play almost the biggest role in your daily life. Appreciate them when you know that they deserved to be appreciated. Never turn your back on them when they need you….they may not say it…but they are calling you, be aware.

I believe in true friendship… the sort of love we need to treasure. A lover would leave you in tears when he or she feels like there is no spark or excitement or even forgets the real reason being in the relationship, but a true friend never leave your side no matter what happens.

True lover or true friend? If you have only one choice, which one would you choose?

2004-09-21T00:20:00.000+01:00

Hey there!

So we meet again... It’s me and Smokey. A-level is over, I got my results and got over it as well as I didn’t do exceptionally well to my standards, but here I am. Not yet in Leeds but will be in just a matter of hours. I’m nervous, I don’t know what to expect as I’ll registering late and I haven’t been allocated any accommodation. The sun will shine somehow no matter how dark the night had been or how heavy the rain was.

I decided to blog again…after a few months. Mainly because it helps me to cool down my thoughts a bit…though doing the course I’ll be doing soon, I should make sure I won’t get carried away blogging. I thought I wanted to write about the existence f unconditional love, but I’ve just finished doing the new templates, so I’m tired. I’ll write about it real soon, as soon as I have those inspirational words in mind.

Something I watched yesterday reinforced my dreams about Africa. Oprah Winfrey, another one of my true idols. The show about Africa proved my point to people about the beauty of the country, the beauty of the people and how little help they are getting to save their people from diseases: AIDS. I hope someday I would live in Africa, savouring the early sunrise and the sunset. Life is too short to have everything I want…but there is no harm in working towards it.

Right?

2004-04-23T00:17:00.000+01:00

Dear people who have been visiting this page,

I wish to thank you all for the support,time spent and comments made,which boosted me to keep this blog page going, never thought it would visited that many times. This page is created for my self-therapy program, with the goals which I alone know. At this stage, I feel better about myself and is more focused on my priorities are so near that I am too numb to feel nervous. I am able to control my feelings, though I really can't forget him, I can live with that fact and I am positive that I can't love another because then I'd be lying to myself.

Anyway, I wish to quit 'blogging' for a while..Until I have the time and opportunity to update this blog and get a new theme for it, but Smokey's definitely in. I enjoy learning how to start, maintain and add to the page,since I've reached my goals..I can conclude that I can be a successful psychiatrist, no matter what other people think or say..hahahaha.

It is the time to put my best effort into studying and I wish to concentrate on my drum lessons. In this college I am able to fulfill many of my childhood dreams,some are learning how to swim and play drums. So far I've qualified the lifasaver's Bronze Cross Medallion which I never thought I ever would get it. Drum lesson has its different story on how I manage to get into it,with much effort and determination. I wish to thank my swimming teacher,Mr Evans and my drum teacher,Taj for for the patience coping with my attitude. Once I got into something, I'd never easily quit on it,as I have realistic goals to reach.

Until next time..I hope I'd be able to get this blog a new theme in the shortest time possible and I'll try to update you when I do. Anyone who wishes to make any comments, please be kind enough to email me:
nisa_khamis@yahoo.co.uk

Best wishes and God Bless You..
Nisa Corr & Smokey

2004-04-20T15:06:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself,

Thank you so much for being able to cope with the fact that he's gone and it's over.You're doing me a big favour that now I am able to live happily and keeping me focused on my priorities.A friend suggested that I do mini fashion show and Smokey will be the respective model.I'd do that and show you the photos later ok?We are both happy and Smokey no longer cries at night.He can talk a bit and call me,Mummy,when he's hungry or wants to be hugged.He's an adorable baby..but he's growing up too fast.All I need to do is make sure I am a part of his memorable childhood,make him happy because that will make happy.I got new clothes for him,with a matching bonnet.The colour looks sweet on him.I am very sleepy now...heh,better go now.

Have faith in
Me&Smokey

2004-04-18T15:31:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself,

We're back in college.Exams in exactly one month.Thoughts of him is reserved during bedtime only...all other time...spend it on beneficial things.I think that this therapy is a successful one..in time I will be able to control my feelings and focused myself on my priorities.I will see him later in the future and I want him to see that I'm successful but I'll only be truly happy if he allows me to love him all my life.

Truly,
Me&Smokey

2004-04-14T01:32:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself,

Hallo,long time no hear.Internet connection is scarce,I managed to log in just now..so I thought I might drop in a few words.
Life's good..food to eat,TV to watch,PS2 to play,a bit of chores to do and a bit of studying to keep the mind healthy.I still haven't received anything from the land of the Buckingham Kingdom's uni yet.It is rather frustrating until I reaches the extent that I can't feel anything,anymore..coolie,I'm turning into a mummy,or better still,a zombie,wait,are there difference between them?Nah,I'm no ghost expert.But then,how come I still miss him so very much?Can zombie miss anyone?Again,I'm not in the position to answer.
I wish he's here with me...but you know what they say,if you want something so badly,wishing just isn't good enough.

With you,
Me&Smokey

2004-04-08T01:02:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself,

I miss him so much last night,I don't know why.It's so difficult to convince myself that he doesn't care bout me anymore.I guess what my head tells me,my heart just will not listen..heart hopes too much.It's time to move on.Exam is getting nearer,don't have to think about this now.There'll be plenty of time after the exam so concentrate on exams.NO STRAIGHT As...NO UK!!
Smokey's doing ok...not too happy at the moment but he's coping all right with his surrounding..less moody but quieter than ever..

Just
Me&Smokey

2004-04-06T23:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Me,

Hi again..Can't stay long here but just droppping by to say that Smokey and I are safe and sound back home.Cherating was quite an experience though I don't think I'll be coming back there.We had a great time and now I have minor body aches.Feeling lethargic and did go to bed early again last night.I talked to him last night and he said he was unsure of his feelings for me..He didn't know why he kept hurting me though he loved me so much before,he couldn't evaluate his feelings now.I don't have much hopes now...Well,I guess maybe I do..

Truly,
Myself

2004-04-02T12:37:00.000+01:00

Dearest Smokey,

Mummy misses you sooo much..sorry Mummy has been busy packing the stuffs we'll be bringing back home and for Cherating..We are leaving tomorrow,so baby,get ready ok?After Mummy comes back from class,we'll do the final packing,then we are set to go.Mummy has a lot of studying to do after our vacation.Smokey mustn't be naughty ok?Mummy hopes that Smokey will be happy when we reach Cherating.Mummy knows that Smokey misses him..Mummy does too..but we can get through this ok,baby?

Mummy loves Smokey

Dear Myself,

I'm off for vacation tomorrow with Smokey..I won't be writing to you for quite some time so I hope you'll be alright while I'm away.Wish I will enjoy my trip and holidays.Good luck and please don't think of him too much,I don't want you to spoil my holidays ok?

Up,up,away...
Me&Smokey

2004-04-01T11:11:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself..

I don't feel good..inside out,I wasn't being myself the whole time I was in school and I don't why I mourn.I wish there is something I can do for my friends..I can't give them offers,I just want to..I don't know.I can't fix everything,God,please help them..please..I beg you,please.
He finally said the words that I wanted to hear..I think I'm convinced that he doesn't care or love me anymore.I'm not over him..I never will.I just quit trying to get connected to him.I've said what I want to say and let him know how I feel..he has chosen the ending for us,so that it will be.I have drained all my efforts and emotions for him,so,it's over now.I'm crawling out of my depression hole towards the tiny speck of light that I'm seeing..I'm not moving fast but sooner or later..I'll be free..to explore the world..with my heart full of love to him..I'm not ready to give a space to anyone yet..not now,not yet.I just want to live contentedly,with you and Smokey by my side.I can quote from a friend of mine,"if he doesn't believe you,then he isn't just worth your time."He trusts me,he just doesn't want to get me into trouble..
Why do I keep comforting myself with these thoughts?IT'S OVER,get it?

I'm in love,always will be
Me&Smokey

2004-03-31T06:07:00.000+01:00

Dear Me,

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning,I was told by my friend to check the ucas and guess what?My first conditional offer,though not from a uni that I am that keen to go..at least I won't think that I'm a failure or try to commit s******..but I am grateful enough...for those people who have a special place in my heart,I pray that they will soon get their offers or somehow have the strength to sort out the future..getting ready for the back-up plans which I once had to think about.I know how it feels and I truly wish I could do something about it.
Sometimes I feel that I am too greedy...I want everything,but at times,I put myself in other people's shoes too much that I would be depressed as I can't solve the problems in the whole world.I have great friends here..but I still cry out for him..isn't that a selfish and greedy act?I became dependent on him when we were together...I never thought I would lose him,but guess,I already did.I think I am selfish..but can I just want him alone?Now I think I've gone crazy...nevermind,I still have you and Smokey,always by my side.
My focus now is to get an excellent result for A level.If I could do it before,I can do it again,provided that I give all my best effort..prayers to God.

Always be,
Myself

2004-03-30T08:14:00.000+01:00

Dear Me,

Hell!Hell!Damn!Damn!!Nevermind...it has nothing to do with the Royal Prince or anything..He's cute anyway.Something bad happened this morning,while brushing my teeth.Cried a lot...but I felt better afterwards.It's just that I feel lost and LOST!
Nothing much I can say...I need to think about my back-up plans for my future.I want him with me....now...why is it so difficult?Why???!!!!!!!!!!!

Will anyone find me here?
Myself

2004-03-29T08:37:00.000+01:00

Dear Myself,

Yesterday I was rather upset.Again and again I tell myself that it is over between me and him...and that's when I miss him a lot,so very much that I don't know what to do.I try to erase our memories and again that's when it starts to keep replaying in my mind...
I'm not sick of those memories,just,please...are there any options for me to forget him?Should I knock my head against the wall and lose my memories of him only?Maybe I should try that,or seek professional help..Haron Din or someone...to help me..because I really believe that I've gone crazy..It can start from time to time,in public,in front of people,somehow I can manage.But when I'm alone,I'll start crying and wailing..It's terrible and nowadays I keep myself around people..I don't trust myself being alone...God knows what I might do.Isn't it terrible when this happens?You think that love is all that great,love always have a wonderful ending?Not me...not anymore..
Smokey has been very,very upset this few days.He doesn't want to sleep or eat his favourite food.How can I comfort him??I told him that his daddy doesn't want us anymore...but he doesn't believe me.What can I do?I stay by his side and hug him when he's sad..I'm beginning to think that I am a bad mother..in fact THE WORST mother in the world.I love Smokey and I don't him to be sad too long.I can't blame Smokey for acting that way...he must have gotten it from his mummy..

Lost and confused,
Me&Smokey

2004-03-28T07:33:00.000+01:00

Dear Me,

Hi..this morning was what I called a productive Sunday morning,I managed to hold my private weekly concert in my room and did things I planned to do.Therefore I've rewarded myself some time to play games and then back to work..If it isn't too hot or my eyelids aren't too 'heavy'.It's a solitary weekend but hey,I like it.
All this while,I believe I had a solitary childhood.No one would believe me when I tell this to people so I've decided not to tell at all.They think I'm exaggerating.People,at times,find me a freeky weirdo,but I think that each and everyone of us in this world has their own degree of weirdness...It's just the matter of how much do they expose it to people..and again,to what extent?Some people are very particular about their appearence,personality and I'm one of those,who just don't,but I always follow the rules..I respect my father for his principle of following the rules and obligations of anything at all and I choose to do so too.I've learnt to enjoy solitude...I have time to spent for myself,no rush.I can think properly and do reflections of myself.Now things are a bit different.I think of him whenever I'm alone though not the whole time,but I don't cry anymore as I used to...cause no one will dry the tears for me anymore..The memories keep playing in my head like a projector video...Then I realise just how much I miss him..I wish things could go back to what we used to be..but wishing isn't good enough..right?
Don't worry 'bout me,I don't want to get too distracted with thoughts of him too...Life goes on...(though deep in my heart,I wish my life goes on..with him)
Smokey's doing good?Send my love to him :)

Needing strength for,
Myself

2004-03-27T09:13:00.000Z

Dear Me,

Hallo.Last night I fell asleep very early..My whole body was aching.I read somewhere before that your body will ache after an hour of drumming and I thought it was exaggerating.But I got the chance to practise playing drums alone in the music room after the lesson with my private teacher,who was very proud of me as I could learn two beats yesterday.Now I've come to believe that the fact I read before is true..hehe..Maybe drumming requires a lot of stamina.
My tutor told me yesterday that my mock exam results didn't show my true ability.It's true..I didn't perform very well,there were a lot of things in my mind and I couldn't concentrate...Seems like these are the effects of breaking up before exams...My Maths teacher said to me today that I shouldn't be sending pessimistic messages,such as I'm hopeless and anything equals to that.Ok,I'll start being optimistic now...look on the bright side,good thing I broke up before the mock exam rather than the real exam..at least I have quite some time to heal...
Think I have nothing much to say,besides my chaletmate is lecturing about politics to me while I'm writing this..so I guess I better stop now.Be strong and I'll always be by your side.

With you till the day I die..
Myself

2004-03-26T05:57:00.000Z

Dearest Amor,
(This is to the one who taught me what love really means,wherever you are out there)

Day after day,I've trying to deny the fact that I miss you so much.True,'us' is over,maybe long and forgotten to you,but not to me.Yesterdays,when I was with you,are still as fresh as the morning dew,in my mind.You may think that I'm crazy because I think so too.Is this the end of 'us'?Will we ever see each other again?Are there still chances to be together again?Only He knows...I wish He'd let me know,because waiting is pain.
People said that a woman's heart is at her lips while a man's lips are at his heart.Woman expresses their feelings but man doesn't..This is a generalisation,not all men are,but most of them are..and you are a man,I think you do hide your feelings very well.You'd never tell what you really feel about me now,you purposely made me hate you so that I'll banish you in my life.Are you sorry we were together?Because this love of ours is forbidden and you don't want to hurt me more than I am now?Do you know that what really,really hurts me?You,turning your back on me...though with good intentions to not cause much trouble.We think differently.You said I'm unrealistic and that we can't be together ever.I said I'm too romantic,love is made to last forever and lovers who are patient enough will survive the barriers.You said you had enough and told me,"it's over".
Thanks Amor for giving me the chance to learn that the greatest thing,to love but I am not sure whether I was loved in return...So I guess I haven't learnt the greatest thing after all.I appreciate the times we spent together and remember every second of it,every minute of my every day.If it isn't wrong to say,Amor,I still love you and miss you so much.

Always will be in love with you,
Me & Smokey

2004-03-25T09:14:00.000Z

Dear Me,

Hi..sorry I didn't write to you for quite some time.I just want to let you know that I'm doing great,he agreed to make friends with me,though with many difficulties and heartache.We occasionally message each other and I don't feel too lonely or should I describe it as too 'LOST'?
Have you heard about the computer game,Sims?I didn't know the existence of such games as I used to think that these things are crap.My friend brought the CD for us to play and as usual,I sucked!I was never good in electronic games.After quite a while,I began to see the logics in the game.It is about a life of a person which we have control of.It thought me that life requires a balance of everything:work,play,socialise and time to spend to learn other skills,which are not demanded academically but,well,it is 'cool' to know playing musical instruments,painting and many other talents.I realised that all this while,my life was about work,work and work.When I came here,people are so good in doing other 'cool' things that you would find that you're not smart enough(though you used to be known for your good grades).
Now I've spent some time to do many other things such as swimming and creative arts.Though studies come first,I will grab any opportunity to learn the things I used to dream of doing.Fulfilling and maintaining a balance of every part of life makes it worthwhile.I'm not yet as optimistic as I should be but life gets better.One step at a time,eh?
Send my love to Smokey..

Always be,
Myself

2004-03-24T11:08:00.000Z

Dear Smokey,

Mummy here...Mummy hopes that you are happy today as Mummy managed to take you for a walk at the playground,which you longed to go to.We went on the swing and talked to the children there..Mummy wished that someday Mummy will have real children like them.
Then it occured to Mummy that being a child is fun.No school,no exams,just play,play and play.Perhaps a bit of chores,here and there,but basically life as a child is a temporary period before you start school..Then life begins.Mummy has passed schooling stage and yet Mummy doesn't regret growing up.It's a part of being alive.But if there is one thing Mummy would do,that Mummy wants to turn back time to Mummy's childhood,is have more companions,not just peers but animals too like cats,birds and fish.Mummy really,really wanted to become a veterinarian so that Mummy could work in the national zoo or go travelling with discovery channel to South Africa,where the big cats,elephants and giraffes roam.We shall go there someday,Smokey,whether Mummy's a vet or not.Or Mummy would want to work in an aquarium,by the sea,to tend to dolphins and turtles,everything would be just nice.
But Mummy's grown up now...The path taken is different from what Mummy has planned and you don't have to know why.It's just the way God has planned for Mummy.Just pray that Mummy will end Mummy's life with contentment and happiness.Mummy just wants you to know that,throughout your life,you'll make mistakes,either big or small,Mummy wants you to learn from it rather than fret about it.That's why we make mistakes,baby,to learn form it.Mummy does too and Mummy's learning from it.
No matter what you do,Mummy will always be by your side.

I Love You,Smokey,
Mummy

2004-03-23T09:10:00.000Z

Dearest Smokey,

Hi baby!Mummy slept so much in the day..Now Mummy has a headache.Feels like going swimming but it is still too hot and Mummy doesn't want to be sunburned as Mummy is getting darker already.Mummy can't wait for tomorrow's evening for Mummy's second drum lesson with your Auntie Taj.Mummy packed up some stuffs,which are gifts to your aunt,uncle and grandma,to bring back during the coming hols.Hope they'll like what Mummy got for them.Mummy still has a lot of catching up to do with Mummy's studies..but Mummy does think of him all the time,every minute of every day.Mummy heard that there are snakes in our area,people came to sprinkle sulphur around the chalet..Mummy wonders what good does it do?Are snakes allergic to the smell of sulphur or it may cause itchiness to their scales?Or Mummy is being too imaginative? :) Mummy still isn't sure of that,baby.Whatever it is,Mummy'll make sure you are safe ok?Mummy loves you so much,Smokey!

Ever your loving,
Mummy

2004-03-22T08:15:00.000Z

Dear Myself,

For the past few days,I've been trying to deny my thoughts of him,keeping my mind busy with other things(more or less important than him,anything will do) but I guess my subconscious mind is thinking of him and after so many nights,last night I dreamt of him again.It was so real,him talking to me again,as if nothing had happened to us.It was suprising,exciting and altogether scary..I nearly cried as I immediately woke up after the dream.I wonder if he ever dreamt of me as I do..
I am focused today,to my priorities.Better than yesterday,though a bit disturbed by the dream..I believe it was a 'telephatic' way for him to tell me that he is happy with me,I no longer grieve as much as I did.I wonder if I'll dream of him again tonight.
Smokey is doing great,he loves this particular bun,'roti boy' and I love the smell of my baby boy..very 'babyish',fresh smell...will miss that if the time comes when either me or him has outgrown each other,if you get what I mean.Hope you are doing great as well...exams are just around the corner,though you haven't had any offers,just get the best grades ever ok?

Just the two of us,
Me&Smokey

2004-03-21T12:48:00.000Z

Dear Myself,

How was your adventure today?I heard you spent quite a lot,good for you,this is one way to release the pressure built inside...:)
Me?Still coping with the lost..after talking to a friend,seems to me what he said made sense to my unstable mind.I think I should focus my mind to my priorities now:studies,family,friends and Smokey.When I am stable,then I believe you'll be able to cope well with our surrounding now.We can make it if we try.We are trying now..later,if not sooner,we will succeed ok?
You know what?Only today I realised how crazy I can be..I love taking risks and is very stubborn in making and keeping my decisions.I can be a bad influence to people at times..but this is me,how can I be anybody else?
Should I change?By the way,am I that bad???Should I wait for time to decide?
So many questions in my mind,yet none is ever answered..

Still searching for,
Me&Smokey

2004-03-20T10:18:00.000Z

Dear Myself,

How was your lifesaving test?Congratulations...last time I remembered you said your limit was only Bronze medallion...isn't it great now that you have passed the barrier?I know you are sad that he isn't here now to congratulate you..but your little boy is with you,always by your side,you won't be alone ok?
I got confused that sometimes when I intentionally wanted to do good for people,it all ended up breaking my heart and upsetting me even more?People think I'm unfriendly and very reserved but I believe I'm just no good at being one...everytime I try,I fail miserably...people will somehow hurt me intentionally or otherwise.I wonder if it is ok when I feel that it is better for me to be myself rather than trying to be who I am not?But what if who I am now is just not people's type?I thought I've found who really cared about me,really understood me...but he's gone..and the world does feel lonely,out of the trillions of people on Earth...somehow,it feels lonely.
Why?Because I've been blinding myself with the lost and never bothering about the love I have now..those people who care..
Then why bother being friendly with people who do not care about you?Ending up upsetting yourself..don't be daft.Think wisely before you speak ok?That's one lesson to sum up the day...congrats for your lifesaving again.Know that you can...even with your drum lessons.May you become the best drummer alive! :)

Forever with you,
Me

2004-03-19T04:50:00.000Z

Dearest baby Smokey,
Hello my little prince.Mummy wants to say sorry for upsetting you last night.Mummy knew that you weren't happy when Mummy cried so much yesterday.Mummy couldn't help it,Mummy needed to grieve..and Mummy did.I am not ready to let go of the memories and yet I grieved because I know I had to..
Mummy is waiting for the day when I can look back to these and think to myself of how foolish I had been..creating this blog,writing all my inner feelings here but then hopefully in time I'd be able to accept the biggest lost ever in my life.I feel foolish now writing this to you but I think once in a while,you should realise,Smokey,that your Mummy can be foolish or really is one.
Thank you,baby,for always being by Mummy's side...through the good and the trying times.Don't give up on me ever ok?You're the reason I'm still alive now....
Mummy loves Smokey

Ever your loving,
Mummy

2004-03-18T11:40:00.000Z

Dear Me,
Today wasn't at all glorious and yet I felt at peace.My court shoes were almost totally spoiled while doing my Chemistry practical,that I have to use my friend's spare shoes.Then while practising for lifesavers' Bronze Cross test,I accidentally torn my swimming cap...great isn't it?
Nevertheless..I think today has been the most productive day since after my mock exam.With the motivation of the 'cup and glass' story,I'm beginning to get into the right momentum and starting off revising for my REAL exam.I want to thank you for not being too deeply affected with the memories you had with him..in a way it is helping me to carry on with our daily life,you know?
We have to cooperate together to make things work...for things to change,we must change first..remember?Anyway,I hope you'll be doing fine and get stronger everyday.
I'll pray for you...Is Smokey doing great as well?I miss him a lot.Hey,have you ever wondered why the sky is blue?Well,everything happens for a reason...
So,have faith in yourself and The Almighty ok?

Always be,
-Myself-

2004-03-17T04:36:00.000Z

Dear Me,
Hi,how's Smokey?Hope your little boy is growing fine.Today I was reminded by a good friend of mine about a story,which was told by my teacher to me,about a glass and a cup.
I was depressed and took some time to tell my teacher a.k.a. tutor about my anxiety of how badly I was doing in classes,though I thought I've put in my very best effort.She told me a story about a glass and a cup.A cup is smaller but a glass is bigger and taller,in a way.What's important is both glass are full,top to the brim.I didn't understand it and asked if she could explain.Everyone has their own limit and capacity of work,which they can do.I might a glass while the other is a cup.I might need to put in more effort than the other but the crucial part is I'm giving my best,using my whole capacity to do it,keeping my glass full all the time.I loved the story and reminded myself to keep it full.
My friend and I,we talked about certain things and she mentioned about the story about the glass and the cup,which I told her before.Then only I realised now that I've been keeping my glass half full and sometimes empty at all.I have to refocused and keep my attention and concentration to succeed in my studies and doing things that I love doing..not let myself drifting away in my own emotions...maybe I'm deeply affected by you..We'll work it out together ok..Sure we'll win.

Have faith in
-Myself-

2004-03-16T03:21:00.000Z

Dear Myself...

Hallo!Did you have a good night sleep?I had a wonderful dream.I'll tell you about it in a minute but have you ever had such crazy idea that when you miss someone so much and you want to meet him or her in your dreams,you might try sleeping with his or her picture by your pillow..
I've tried it for more than a month now...only last night did i see the miracle.Maybe to make it work,the picture has to be taken by yourself.Well..the dream was that he 'sms'ed me after 12 midnight to wish me good night like he used to.He told me he'll be coming back late and would misscall me when he reached home.I woke up in the morning and realised it was all a dream as there was no misscall from him...not anymore and never will be.Back to reality..waking up every morning now with my baby Smokey by my side is good enough to start my day.No more late night misscalls or messages to cheer me up in the morning but I'll tolerate to these changes.
He wanted us both to succeed so that we might stand a chance to be together again...I'll do that and can't wait for the day to come!
Success...here I come!Wish me luck,as I havent' got any university offers,ok and I wish you well too.Don't keep that strict diet going ok,you'll need those energy for the Bronze Cross Lifesavers' test this Sat.Until then...bye and Good luck for the test!

Truly,
Me & Smokey

2004-03-15T03:10:00.000Z

Dear Myself...
I'm very exhausted..even my Bio teacher noticed how i looked in class just now.Second entry-I learnt how lonely it feels right now when I've found love and lost it.Nothing is wrong but it looks so to me.Everybody around me is happy,I'm the only one in misery....lost and drowning deeper in this 'depression-hole' i've created...thinking will i ever get out..do i even want to?
My life's shattered and forever will be,but wait...doesn't this ring a bell?How many times have I used the word I?If only I can stop thinking about myself and start thinking about those people around who care about me.How much have I hurted them while I'm being continually 'emotionally unstable'?Do I want to keep on sinking deeper and let darkness controls me?
I've decided that for the time being,I need time to overcome this loneliness and frustration...the meeting with him for the last time gave me a strength to carry on,which was never there before.The fact that he was terribly worried and angry at me in a way I've never seen before,I knew that I must have gone beyond the line.He wanted me to be strong so that I must do,for him and Smokey.I don't want my baby to be sad when I am..Time does not heal pain,it's strong will that does..Pray for me ya?

Wishing He's by my side,
Me & Smokey

2004-03-12T13:54:00.000Z

Thanks to Ufah (my personal IT manager) for introducing this web to me.Felt that it could be a great way for my self-therapy programme.After exam,though my results aren't that impressive,well,why not try this web-making?Anyway..i'd like to introduce my baby,Smokey..he's a part of my life and he's been with me for almost a year now.When Ufah has taught me to upload pic,then you can see my baby.
Today is the last day of my life-guarding duty at my college swimming pool. Basically every day I'll try to put in my thoughts and maybe what I do. I think enough of me already for now.